please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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