Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
