just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
