you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
