I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
