11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
