He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize
