Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
