I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
