I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
