I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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