My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
