the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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