But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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