I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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