I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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