I met the friendliest cop last night
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
