what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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