you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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