Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
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I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
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Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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