If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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