Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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