The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
