you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
