i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
