btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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