I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
