The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
