k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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