The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
