you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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