Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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