we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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