Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
