just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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