I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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