just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
The uberlube is also flammable
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
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