At least make sure they are 18
Why
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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