PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
