I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
