I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.