Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
