Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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