Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
