shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
