I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
my liver is dry heaving
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Randomize
