When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
