Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
i believe in u and ur pee
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
