whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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