I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
