I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
