She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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