We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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